A message of hope

About 12 years ago, I learned some things about my wife that caused me to file for divorce. I am NOT claiming that she cheated, but it was a large pile of things that added up to a life of low key torture for me.

大约12年前，我得知了一些关于我妻子的事情，促使我提出了离婚。我并非声称她出轨了，但种种事情堆积起来，让我过上了那种低调折磨的日子。

Let me also be clear that for 18 years she was an amazing woman and a beautiful person - inside and out. My mind still boggles at WTH happened. My best guess is the women at work started having a strong influence over her.

我也必须澄清一点，在18年里，她曾是一位了不起的女性，一个内外兼修的美好人——我对到底发生了什么至今仍感到匪夷所思。我最好的猜测是，公司里的女人们开始对她产生了强烈的影响。

I took a lot of heat for that decision, but it was worth it.

我为这个决定承受了不少压力，但这是值得的。

Two years post divorce, I lost weight, started a new company, and had more women available to me than I could have ever imagined. Child support killed me financially, but what I made on the side with my business more than made up for it.

离婚两年后，我瘦了，开了家新公司，而且出现在我面前的女性之多是我从未想象过的。抚养费在经济上几乎把我压垮，但我副业赚的钱足以弥补这一点。

I was happier, more attractive, healthier, and more upbeat than I had been for over two decades.

我比以往二十多年都要更快乐、更有吸引力、更健康，也更加乐观向上。

Most importantly, I was free. Free from lies, secrets, and duplicity.

最重要的是，我获得了自由。从谎言、秘密和虚伪中解脱出来。

When I came home, I felt like a good man. Literally every other person in my world thought highly of me; just not her. It felt good to come home from a long day at work and feel right about things. I smiled more and felt calmer and had more inner peace than I can ever remember having.

回到家时，我感觉自己像个好人。 literally 世界上其他每个人都对我评价很高；除了她。结束一天的工作回到家，感觉一切都很对劲，这种感觉真好。我笑得更多了，感觉更平静，内心平静也是我这辈子从未有过的。

On the other hand, she did the whole "divorce party" thing- went with her female friends to Vegas, dating apps, started smoking cigarettes (and weed I found out later), and drinking heavily.

另一方面，她倒是搞起了“离婚派对”那一套——跟她的女性朋友去了拉斯维加斯，使用约会软件，开始吸烟（后来发现还吸大麻），以及大量饮酒。

She started dating a guy, and that quickly came to an end. She tried to break up, but he got possessive. He was weak and pathetic in comparison to me. She even complimented me a few times, going so far as to say "you look better than ever" with a wistful look.

她开始和一个男人交往，但很快就结束了。她想分手，结果他变得占有欲极强。和他相比，我简直显得又弱又惨。她还夸过我几次，甚至一脸怅然地说“你看起来比以前更帅了”。

True story. And yes, it felt as good as you would imagine it would.

这是真事。没错，那种感觉确实如你所想的一样爽。

I would come over to pick up our children and say Hi and slap her ass. I knew she would have to hide that from her new man, because he was no match for me and he would likely want to confront me, and he would just get humiliated.

我会过去接孩子，顺便打个招呼然后拍一下她的屁股。我知道她得向那个新欢隐瞒这件事，因为那人完全不是我的对手，而且他多半会想找我麻烦，结果只会让自己丢脸。

Oddly, she seemed to like it and smiled when I did it. Go figure. But that's the sort of thing that made me divorce her to begin with - keeping secrets like that.

奇怪的是，她似乎还挺受用，我这么干的时候她还会笑。真是服了。但恰恰是这种偷偷摸摸的行为，当初才让我决定和她离婚。

Unfortunately, about two years post-divorce, she gained weight and sunk into deep depression. I will end the story there because it gets very sad from here.

不幸的是，离婚大约两年后，她体重增加并陷入了深深的抑郁。故事到这里就结束吧，因为后面变得非常悲惨。

To this day I date women MUCH younger than me because women much younger than me are attracted to me. I was told differently and I didn't know reality. I do now.

直到今天，我都和比我年轻很多的姑娘约会，因为确实有很多年轻姑娘被我吸引。以前有人告诉我别这么想，我也不懂现实，但现在我懂了。

So men, as things are at their worst you will feel despondent and depressed. These feelings will not last forever. Just be sure to make weekly progress one small goal at a time. Don't compare yourself to others - just to yourself last year. Over the course of a year, you will be surprised at how far you can go.

所以，男士们，情况最糟的时候你们会感到绝望和沮丧。但这些情绪不会永远持续。一定要确保每周都有进步，一步一步达成小目标。别跟别人比——只跟去年的自己比。一年后，你会惊讶于自己能走多远。

And keep in mind that without a woman (of a particular sort) to drag you down and hold you back, you can achieve so much more. Do this for your children. They will appreciate it. Mine do, and all of them have told me this more than once.

还要记住，如果没有某个（特定的）女人把你拖下水、把你往后拉，你能取得更多的成就。为了你的孩子去做这件事吧，他们会感激你的。我的孩子们就是如此，他们不止一次告诉过我。

My personal mantra is: "The best revenge is a life well-lived"

我的人生格言是：“活得精彩就是最有力的报复。”

I hope you'll make it yours too.

我希望你们也能把它当作自己的座右铭。

The worst thing about our culture is the toxic socialization, where people are made to feel like a failure if they are not paired up with somebody. Thank God that is changing.

我们文化中最大的坏处就是那种有毒的社会教化，让人觉得如果不跟人配对成功就是失败者。感谢老天，这种观念正在改变。

Heck I have known people close and far that, just getting out of a shitty relationship, are desperate to find another one. I swear they behave like a drug addict looking for their fix. Those are also the most likely to collect a string of costly shitty relationships, because they also equate marriage with being in a relationship; they can't wait to tie the knot.

话说回来，我认识一些远近的朋友，刚刚摆脱一段糟糕的关系，就迫不及待地想找下一个。我发誓他们的表现就像瘾君子在寻找下一次注射一样。也正是这些人最可能一连串地陷入 costly 的烂关系，因为他们把婚姻等同于谈恋爱，迫不及待地想结婚。

And then you have the ones that got so shell shocked that they spend the rest of their lives in misery stewing. They likely left a bad situation but made sure they kept the hell with them, spending all their waking efforts to keep the resentment alive instead of moving on and enjoying their freedom. Those are the saddest ones.

还有那类人被打击得精神崩溃，余生都在痛苦中煎熬。他们虽然离开了糟糕的环境，却确保了把“地狱”带在了身边，把所有的清醒时间都用来维持怨恨，而不是继续前行、享受自由。这些人最可悲。

Me? I don't know if I'm going to pair up again. After the divorce I spent my time raising my daughters, and while after that I dated for a while, I just haven't found anybody I like as much as I like my freedom and peace of mind. Being the owner of every minute of your life is just worth a lot.

我嘛？我不确定自己会不会再找伴侣。离婚后我把时间花在养育女儿身上，虽然之后也约会过一阵子，但我就是没找到比我现在拥有的自由和内心平静更让我喜欢的东西。拥有对自己生活中每一分钟的所有权，这价值太高了。

Forgiveness is so much more than what we think it is, and forgiveness must provide the entire basis for relationship in a world gone bad. Forgiveness is not optional for us – for us who have all gone bad. Forgiveness must be the rock we build relationship upon, for we all do wrong against each other. If I set a standard for relationship that calls for picking only ‘safe’ people; i.e. only people who do not happen to ‘do me wrong’, then I reckon I am either going to be very lonely or very bored.

宽恕远不止是我们所想的那样，在已经堕落的世界裡，宽恕必须是维系关系的完整基础。宽恕对我们来说不是可选项——对我们这些同样已陷入堕落的人而言，宽恕绝非可选项。它必须成为我们建立关系的基石，因为我们彼此之间都有过错。如果我为关系设定的标准是只选择“安全”的人，也就是那些恰好没有“伤害过我”的人，那我估计要么会很孤独，要么会很无聊。

I think that with that Greek mindset we are so inclined to, we can easily mistake homogenization – that peculiar confluence of people who all smell alike because they, essentially, all are agreeing to overlook similar shortcomings and misunderstandings and focus on similar mutual ideals and prejudices – for actual relationship. Entire churches, communities, families and marriages can be built upon this worldly substitute for real love; this mutually agreed upon TOLERANCE – this overlooking of sin – and call it forgiveness, when it is actually more of a version of a partnership in crime. I’ll pretend not to notice that you are not really noticing me and that you really don’t care, if you do the same.

我认为，带着我们如此倾向于持有的那种希腊式思维，我们很容易把同质化误认为是真正的关系——那种奇特的群体聚集，人们因为本质上都在同意彼此忽视类似的缺点、误解，并专注于相似的共同理想和偏见，从而闻起来“臭味相投”。整个教会、社群、家庭乃至婚姻都可以建立在这种世俗的、真实爱的替代品之上；这种相互达成的“容忍”——这种对罪的视而不见——却被他们称为宽恕，而这实际上更像是共谋犯罪的伙伴关系。如果你假装没注意到我其实没注意到你，且你根本不在乎，只要你也对我这么做，那我也对你如此。

In marriage, I have noticed that we have developed a term for this phenomenon. We refer to it as a parallel marriage. We walk side by side, but the condition is that we do not ever really look at each other. We can stand side by side in a crowd and be comfortable TO THE EXTENT that we mutually agree not to really get involved. Neutrality is the new brotherhood: it is the saccharin of the new commitment-free love substitute. No one has to change (because we all agree to not think anyone is dirty) but most importantly, no one has to forgive. Why, that’s why we have invented divorce, exclusions from wills, excommunication, church splits, lynchings and rails complete with tar and feathers, concentration camps, cliches, fraternities, and even national borders.

在婚姻中，我注意到我们已经为这种现象创造了一个术语。我们称之为“平行婚姻”。我们并肩同行，但条件是彼此绝不对视。在人群中并肩而立时，我们会感到自在，前提是我们在相互同意不过度卷入彼此生活的限度内。中立成了新的兄弟情谊：这是新式的、无承诺的爱之替代品中的糖精。没人需要改变（因为我们一致同意不认为谁有污点），但最重要的是，没人需要宽恕。正因如此，我们才发明了离婚、剥夺遗嘱继承权、绝罚、教会分裂、私刑（连 Tar and Feathers 都有）、集中营、陈词滥调、兄弟会，甚至国界。

Further, it appears that we have decided halls of education and religious houses are places where we should be instructed and trained in this mutual tolerance of each other’s sins (with the punishment of expulsion or excommunication if we don’t ‘learn’), and we have also developed the same punishment for these institutions themselves if they fail to deliver this new love/forgiveness substitute product. It is here that the words start to fail me, because I believe I am trying to describe evil, but I think you have to understand something to do that, and there just is no way for me to understand this.

此外，看来我们已决定，教育和宗教机构应该是我们接受训练、学会相互容忍彼此之罪的地方（如果我们不“学会”，就会面临开除或绝罚的惩罚），同时，如果这些机构本身未能提供这种新的爱/宽恕替代品，它们也会遭受同样的惩罚。说到这儿，我的语言开始失效了，因为我觉得我正在试图描述邪恶，但我认为要理解这一点，必须先理解某些东西，而我根本无法理解这一切。

Please wight in on my post a few down. Seems like we might be about the same age with similar considerations and hopes. Thanks!

请在我下面几楼的那篇帖子留言。感觉我们年龄相仿，思考与希望也类似。谢谢！

Cool post... thanks for that. Improvement happens one step at a time.

好帖……谢了。进步都是一步一步来的。

Good for you!

为你点赞！

I just got divorced after 28 years of marriage. We were together 34 years. I'm 67 and starting all over again. I'm happy for you and glad that can be accomplished again. I now have less than I had since I was 30 years old. This is the first time in my life I can't say I have to go home because I no longer have a place to call home. I wanted an amicable divorce but it didn't end that way. She wanted everything she could get plus more. I'm not sad but angry at the lack of compassion from someone I have provided for, and cared for, for so long. I gave her my half of a 400k paid off home and she wanted me to still pay all the bills. She has social security to pay the bills. I had to contribute 900 a month to help her pay the monthly bills because I have a good pension. My tax bracket went up to 22% and now the government is my new burden. The kick in the ass is the text I got when it was all settled was a thank you for 28 years of marriage and that I was a good man. REALLY! My opinion is that people get bored with nice people and think there's so much out their to excite them. Thank God we never had children. Oh well, I'll get back in a year of so when I'm not pissed anymore. I'm not interested in buying people dinner either.

我刚结束了一段维持了28年的婚姻，我们在一起34年。我今年67岁，一切从头开始。我为你感到高兴，也很欣慰这种事还能再次圆满实现。我现在拥有的比我30岁时还要少。我这辈子第一次没法说“我得回家了”，因为我没有一个可以称为家的地方了。我本想和平分手，但结果并非如此。她想要拿走她能拿走的一切，还想得更多。我并不悲伤，但对那个我曾经长期供养、悉心照料的人毫无同情心感到愤怒。我把那套价值40万、已还清的房产的一半给了她，她居然还要求我继续支付所有账单。她有社保可以付账单，而我却不得不每月额外支付900美元帮她付账单，只因为我的养老金不错。我的税率档升到了22%，现在政府成了我的新负担。最讽刺的是，事情尘埃落定时我收到的短信，居然是感谢我28年的婚姻，还说我是个好人。真的假的！我的看法是，人们对老实人感到厌倦，总觉得外面有更刺激的东西等着他们。谢天谢地，我们没孩子。算了，等过了一年半载，我不再这么气急败坏时，我会重新出发的。我也不打算花钱请人吃晚饭之类的。

You are not alone.

你并不孤单。

I encourage you to pay close attention to those who post negatively against men's perspectives here. And be prepared for them to come after you. That's what these people do - hate on others for waking up their fellow man.

我建议你密切关注这里那些对男性视角发表负面言论的人。并且要做好他们对你发动攻击的准备。这帮人就是这副德行——因为别人唤醒了身边的男性同胞，他们就对别人恶语相向。

Divorce is by far the worst thing I have ever experienced.

离婚绝对是我经历过最糟糕的事。

And it was one of the best things at the same time. Once I got over the worst of the emotional journey, I got fitter, happier, healthier, and had more freedom than I had in a long time.

但同时也是最棒的事之一。一旦我熬过了情绪上最艰难的阶段，我变得更强壮、更快乐、更健康，也拥有了久违的自由。

I could write a short book on the merits of divorce for a man like myself. The benefits have been immeasurable. But the scars linger.

我都能写出一本关于像我这样的男人离婚优势的小书了。好处数不胜数。但伤疤依然留存。

Good luck on your journey my friend. In today's world, men are being kinder and more empathetic to each other than ever in my life time (I am not too much younger than you)

朋友，祝你旅途顺利。在我有生之年（我并不比你年轻太多），如今的世界里的男人比以往任何时候都更友善、更具共情力。

We both got burned by one of the biggest scams out there. So we must bear responsibility for that. I was warned about marriage and divorce by older men and I didn't listen.

我们都被这世上最大的骗局之一给坑了。所以我们必须为此承担责任。以前有年长的男人警告过我关于婚姻和离婚的事，但我没听进去。

I'm listening now. And so are younger men. And this gives me hope - for young men like this...

我现在听了。年轻的男人们也在听。这让我看到了希望——对于像这样的年轻男子来说……

youtube. com/watch?v=IwGHsZ-3fyw

Thank you...

谢谢……

and everyone seems to think I shouldn't be angry.

而且大家似乎都觉得我不该生气。

threads up. It made me smile to read this but don't think it's in the cards for me. I am starting so far behind the 8 ball. It seems unmanageable. I can't get past being discarded like trash when I was so good to them. I still love her but hate her at the same time. I AM SO,,SO ANGRY with her.

帖子。读到这些让我笑了，但我觉得这对我没戏。我的起步点落后太多了，简直难以掌控。我无法释怀，明明我对他们那么好，却被像垃圾一样抛弃了。我依然爱她，但同时也恨她。我真的对她非常、非常愤怒。

I am happy for you, but I just want to kill myself in the worst way.. It all seems so UNFAIR.

我为你感到高兴，但我真的只想以最糟糕的方式自杀……这一切看起来太不公平了。